I cried my eyes out. I cried so much I struggled to breathe. All Demola could do was hold me and offer reassuring words that everything would be ok. It was just days before our first daughter headed to uni, and it felt like the universe was taking a precious gift away from me.
I’m being dramatic right? Maybe I am, but those were my valid feelings. She had never been away from home for longer than 2 weeks, and here she was getting ready to embark on her own journey without our direct involvement. Prior to that day I hadn’t processed fully the implications of her leaving home, Demola and I were preoccupied with sorting out her admission singlehandedly without employing the services of an agent; and of course we had the financial obligations of her schooling to sort out as well, so I didn’t have the time to see the full picture of her leaving home, until that fateful night when the realization struck me that we might never live under the same roof again for a prolonged period of time. It occurred to me that after her first degree she might stay back to do her masters, get a job, and maybe come home one day to say she was getting married! Ok I just shed a tear again. Give me a moment, I need to grab a tissue. 
Ok, I’m fine now… I think.
My heart was broken. I wasn’t ready for this change. I was mad at God. I told Him he used me to raise a wonderful daughter and then yanked her from me without first preparing me for that moment. I expressed many sentiments that I’m not so proud to mention, but you can’t blame me, I am human, and I couldn’t see beyond my devastation and fear. Some tough parent reading this now will probably be thinking “c’mon get out of your head”
Na you sabi, sha leave me o!
You know, the real pain wasn’t just the impending separation, but the realization that I would go through this mother-child separation two more times, resulting in an empty nest within the next four years. If you can’t empathize with me at this point then your heart is made of steel 
They say there are 5 stages of grief. Brethren, it was this experience that made me realize that it’s not only death that causes grief o! It took a while but I got to the final stage of this ‘grief’ – the acceptance stage. I had to come to terms with my new reality, which is that I’m eventually gonna be left with an empty nest, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s gonna be me, my soul, my spirit and my body – Demola by my side. I told myself I have to start working on myself, to make sure that I am prepared to live a happy, rewarding life when that time comes. So I made the following decisions:
1. To reflect on my life’s goals starting from when I was single, and prayerfully work on the ones I choose to pursue.
2. To strengthen my relationships with my friends and husband, and maybe meet new people, likeminded people that is.
3. To rekindle lost interests and hobbies or maybe start new ones.
4. Prioritize self-care. I need to take care of my physical and mental well-being.
5. Professional Development: To take up new courses, explore other business opportunities, and do more charity work.
6. Travel and Adventure: This is one of my biggest desires – to see the world. I must begin to explore new places or adventures that i wasn’t able to do before now.
7. Finally, I must stop beating myself up when I spend on myself. I have worked hard for over 20 years most of which I barely rewarded myself for, it is just right to start pampering myself now.
I’m sharing my story because parenthood can be overwhelming, and if we’re not careful, we might lose sight of the individual identities we had before becoming parents. Some of us sacrifice a lot for our children, and when they eventually leave, we can feel empty, struggling to recognize the person in the mirror. While sacrificing for our kids is part of parenting, it’s crucial to be wise and remember that life continues after the children leave. You want to breathe your last knowing you did your best as a parent but also that you lived a fulfilling life beyond parenthood.
Thanks for taking the time to read. Feel free to invite me for a coffee date or just drop a comment below! 
16 thoughts on “The day I chose me”
We can go out on a coffee date at Tim Hortons…, lol.
Anyway, I understand totally how you feel. Everything you said is true, I’ve seen my parents have same feelings – fear of the unknown, emptiness of losing touch, fear that I may never come back, fear that they may not be able to be part of my life as they use to and so on.
But, I’m here to encourage you that everything is going to alright, in a matter of time. All you have to do is continue the parenting the way you can and keep encouraging her to do great with the opportunity…. my father told me “ranti omo Eni ti iwon shey” (remember the son of who you are)- and trust me I will never forget those last parting words!
Thanks for the encouraging words Fawaz. Your dad was right, those were the exact words we dropped with her too. As for the coffee I’ll take you up on that 😀
This is truly a phase in our children’s life that we have to prepare ourselves mentally for. It’s not easy I must say. Your post has really encouraged me cos my son will be leaving for uni by January and ever since I received his admission letter,there has been a happy and sad thought in my head. The truth is they must pursue their dream . God Almighty will guide them aright for us.
Amen 🙏🏾 congratulations on your son’s admission, he will do exceptionally well by God’s grace. Even though I’m not sure how one can actually fully prepare for this phase, I definitely agree with you that we must try.
Hmmmm, so so true. I needs to prepare mentally for that stage when your kids get seperated from you so as to pursue their own dreams too. Thanks for sharing cuz.
True, and as much as possible consume ourselves in things that bring us joy and fulfillment
Wow ! Nice and worth reading. I can feel your pulse. Just breath and know for sure that it was all worth it. Do send my love with our big baby girl.
Thank you Tutu. Yeah I’m adjusting nicely now. Truth is she made it easy for me because she settled nicely and matured within such a short time. I just have panic attacks when I think of my middle child leaving 😅 Oh dear, it is well o 🤦🏽♀️
Oh my.. Gbemi.. Am I ready like this? My son went for a week holiday at his cousin’s place. I was visiting there everyday 😭. 4th day I couldn’t hold it. I went home back with him.. I appreciate you sharing this journey. It will definitely help a lot of us like you, to emotionally and lovingly detach when the time comes. My love to Jade 💕
Bolaji!!! You got me laughing so hard 😄 I can’t promise it won’t be a difficult move for you especially, but I can assure you that he will be fine, and you will find comfort knowing that God has his back, and yours too
Such an interesting read! I have laughed and said eyaaah, awwwnn, the whole time. I have witnessed my sister go through this with her 4 kids. And then I was thinking, ‘Aunty Gbemi has 2 more to go!’ Truth is, God will always accord us the grace to go thru any season of our lives. You may cry or sulk but strength will always come and you would pick up yourself and move on. This first parting will get you prepared for the ones to come but also remember that, no matter where they go or how big they grow, they will always be mummy’s little girls! You are doing great, weldone! And cheers to those great decisions, especially that last one and the one before it!😘
Congratulations!
Hnnnn… Thank you Otis I needed to hear that- God will always accord us the grace to go thru any season of our lives. I won’t forget this
This was me in September. I cried and cried on my way back home after dropping her off. Everyone around me on the flight though I was bereaved, had to pull myself together and prayed for holyspirit to help me.
I moved to my daughters room when I got home🙈 Hubby is always laughing at me.
It’s tough sis, but the consolation is they have gone for good and God will always be with them and us🙏
Welldone, you’ve done well. May you reap the fruits of your labour🙏
It’s a tough cookie my sister, but God has got them, and us too. Congratulations to her, she will excel in Jesus name
Am a young mother but learning well thank you mama for this and also congratulations to you and yours❤️
As a parent I understand this feeling 💯